So. I know there's been a lot of this going around online lately - people announcing that they're going into treatment or just out of it or whatever - and I found a post that Alexis, Surfacing After Silence, made regarding this really important and true - that treatment's been treated almost like...it's cool, or something. And that's not where I'm coming from. That said, this is my experience at the moment. A few posts ago I mentioned that my parents had sort of confronted me, saying they really didn't think waiting to get my drivers license was smart right now. I thought more and more about it and that little knowing self inside of me started to reluctantly agree. So I called the treatment facility and asked if they'd ever worked it out - since a license is a requirement for the transition house - for someone to get their license while there.
The answer was, usually, no - but we don't think you should wait because the most important thing is your health, which isn't good, and we'll work that out when the time comes. We won't screw you over, we'll figure it out with you. And we want you to call the administrative office and arrange for admission now.
So I panicked a little bit, but I did what I've mentally prepared myself to do - I listened to the professionals, and when I called the office they said they could arrange for me to come in this week and that they thought I should take that spot.
So the woman emailed me the papers and told me to call my doctor's office first thing in the morning to go get a physical and some tests done STAT. I have a catch-up assessment (since I was there last year they have my history and just need to know what's been going on since I left) tomorrow afternoon. I will not be able to go back to my apartment before I'm admitted, and since I'm moving to Southern California, that means I'm done living in the Bay Area. Which is scary and sad. I'm going to have to go in without saying "goodbye" to my friends, but I will go and visit after treatment...and truthfully I'll probably be much more myself at that point, and more of a joy to be around. I haven't been "here" in awhile anyway.
I'm really scared. After all of this I made a few phone calls - to my therapist at home, who I've been having phone sessions with - to my good friend who lives in the area near the facility and has been really supportive - and to my sponsor. I took a bath. I started to become unexpectedly agitated with no concrete reason as to why.
I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm grieving. This disorder - as ugly a companion as it has been - is what I've had in my moments of loneliness. I want out, and I fear leaving it behind, and I fear that I won't be able to leave it behind. But I have come to the end of my line again. It feels different than it has in the past and I know that regardless of whether or not I recover, this is the last opportunity I will have at treatment, at least for some time. I hope it's the last time because I hope I get better. I don't harbor any illusion that I'll recover in the months I spend there but I do believe that it can be my springboard to getting into recovery.
I don't know what else to say. I could make you a list of all of the ways my body's falling apart, or the horror that has been the last year, the last few months. I could take pictures of my body and post them and claim it's a goodbye to anorexia, I could tell you about the size of my binges or what effects purging has had.
But I'm not going to. I didn't know how detailed I would be about the horrors of my disorder in this blog, and I'm realizing now that I'm probably not going to be detailed about them at all. If I recover, or get into recovery, you can take my word for it - it'll be proof that recovery is possible. But all I can offer right now is to myself. I want badly to help myself so that I can offer more to others but I have a feeling if I try to become some sort of spokesperson it will be energy displaced.
I plan on sharing about some of the obstacles that come up for me, but only in relation to how I'm dealing with them and overcoming them.
Now keep your fingers crossed for me that tomorrow and the next few days go smoothly, hah, there's a lot that could go wrong logistically.
Goodnight friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment