Nervewracking and a huge relief at the same time: After thinking a little more about what my parents said the other day - about how they really think I need to go sooner and figure out my driver's license stuff later - I called the facility I'll be going to to inquire about how possible it would be for me to get my license while I'm there (just because it's a requirement for transitional living). They know me already since I was there last year before insurance pulled. Anyway, I spoke with someone there and she said she really doesn't much like the idea of me driving at the moment anyway and that she'd talk to the clinical director and get back to me, but that she thinks they're going to just tell me to go ahead and get on the waiting list and come in now instead of waiting, that we'll figure it out once I'm there.
Which could mean me getting on the waiting list (which is pretty short at the moment I believe - a week or two) as soon as...today, or tomorrow. It all depends on when they get back to me but I do trust them. I trust their clinical judgement, and I trust that they'll help me figure things out logistically, and quite frankly I trust their judgement on what's best for me right now more than I trust my own. It's hard for me to let go of controlling things, it really is, but that's part of the point of this. My best thinking has gotten me to this bad state I'm in.
And man it's nervewracking. Part of me - the "eating disorder voice" part - feels (stupidly) too fat and ugly for treatment. How's this for logic - one of the unfortunate effects of my ED has been that my glands are consistently swollen enough to make my face look very different, and I feel like that makes me look fatter, so I have this nervousness that people will think I'm fat because of it. SUCH eating disordered bullshit, the better part of me fully knows that, but it doesn't make it FEEL any less real.
Anyway, I definitely will not let the sick thoughts dictate what I do now. I have fought hard to get help and I'm going to get it, I am going to use it, and I'm not going to cater to a disease anymore. I know a lot of people personify these disorders - "My eating disorder is telling me to..." - and I don't, but I do see the value in separating it from oneself and regarding the thoughts as belonging to the disease somehow. Personifying it seems a little odd to me (though if it helps you I totally encourage you to do it - anything that helps!) because I feel like it gives it more power. Something I really liked that one of the therapists told me in treatment last year was this: You are stronger than the eating disorder, because it's a part of you. Because you created it. Therefore you absolutely have the power to fight it and triumph.
So it's an illness and the thoughts and beliefs that ensue are certainly intrusive, but I do not have to act in accordance with them. And I have to find it within myself to refuse to do so. IT is a disease and I am a person. What's more valuable? (Hint: the one that's alive :-P).
I'm nervous. I'm so nervous. I don't know why I didn't just tell the woman over the phone I'd just get on the waiting list now, since that's basically what she said they were going to tell me to do.

Okay wow, so I just made some phone calls and talked to them and we're working things out for me to be admitted in the next few days. Fuck.

This is a really good thing, though. Crap.